Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Ten Suggestions

Well, we’ve certainly been busy here on Higgins Road these last few years. Disregarding Scripture, upholding everyone’s bound conscience, figuring out that Jesus really wasn’t quoted appropriately in that book of faith stories, debunking the truths myths of Christianity and trashing God’s chosen people, Israel. And of course we have been engaged in the continual assault on all those pesky pastors and congregations that believe in the authority of Scripture and try to follow all those archaic laws handed down from those uneducated men that obviously did not compile accurate data from God. Keeping in line with our new modern and progressive religion, we have proposed an update to the now mostly obsolete “Ten Commandments”. So here is a compilation of some of the “new” things that Satan God has been telling us. So, for an early Christmas present, we present this new document, formerly known as the Ten Commandments, handed down from God to Moses on Mount Sinai, now to be called the “Ten Suggestions”, so as not to cause any consternation for those who choose to allow their “bound conscience” to disregard our God’s commands.

#1 You know that God thing where you are supposed to have no other gods, well it’s really ok to worship other gods, heck, even worship yourself, your identity and your possessions if you want to, just kind of keep God in the background and mention His Her name once in a while, especially when you want to argue about the unity of the church, redirecting benevolences or congregations that want to break fellowship. And make sure you invoke the name of God if some intolerant Bible thumper lays down some Scripture that disagrees with whatever questionable activity you happen to be engaging in.

#2 Image, schmage. Go ahead and make whatever image you want. We don’t know what God looks like anyway and you can have any view of what He She is, so go ahead and use goddess beads or any other religion’s icons for that matter.

#3 Oh, and that thing about using God’s name in vain, we already think His Her chosen name is offensive, so call God Mom, Mother Earth, Rumplestiltskin or whatever else trips your trigger.

#4 What’s different about one day or another? Any day is a good day and why keep one day Sabbath (what the heck does that mean anyhow?) and holier than any other, because we change the rules as we go along anyway, so live it day to day.

#5 Honor your parents?? Of course we have reached the pinnacle of enlightenment and already know more than our parents, so maybe it’s the parents that should be seen and not heard. After all, they only want to correct (and that harms our self esteem) and encourage. We are infinitely more intelligent than them already, so there is absolutely no need to correct ourselves.

#6 Yeah, this one is somewhat problematic. You probably should not kill anyone, of course. Well, unless they object to your alternative lifestyle or try to correct your way of interpreting Scripture, we just may make an exception in that matter. But perhaps it is better to just shout them down, or belittle them, sue to confiscate their property or generally make a mockery of Christian love. At least this way no jail time is involved if you get caught.

#7 Now adultery, what to do about that one? Oh, I know! We’ll pass a resolution stating that as long as you truly believe it’s ok, it’s ok with the church and by osmosis or something, it will be ok with God, too. And of course, adultery without a “loving monogamous relationship” is strictly forbidden.

#8 Well, stealing is bad, unless of course you want to take land from those no good Israelites and give it to those godly Palestinians.

#9 And that lying thing. At least try to be a little discreet about it. No bald face lying and if you testify falsely, just make sure that the ends justify the means.

#10 Finally, the last one. Didn’t know if we could make it through all of these unreasonable rules, written by those ancient, dirty and uneducated men that most certainly were not inspired by God. Coveting your neighbors stuff. Covet, now that’s an old fashioned word for you. Take all those rich-fat cat-corporations-that steal the world’s resources-destroy the planet-don’t share-don’t use their evil profits to pay for all the government handouts that able bodied individuals choose to steal from society. Go ahead and covet their stuff because it rightly belongs to you. Who the hell are they to think that they can work hard to make something of themselves so that they can create jobs and pay for all the stuff that makes the world go round. Don’t just covet their stuff. Take it away from them. Advocate for the things of this world!  Disrupt society so that you can get their stuff!  That’s the ticket! Then it will be fair for everyone.

Well, I guess that’s that. Got all our bases covered so we can all feel good about ourselves no matter what we do. Never did much like rules anyway and since we are all about love (mostly of ourselves) that is good enough. Now it’s off to church to say our prayers to Mother Earth and see what our next new and improved social statement is going to be. Remember, these new ideas make us all stronger and diversity and acceptance is the real answer. Merry Christ Xmas!


  1. Oh, and on commandment #6, remember that it is ok to kill unborn children in the womb for any reason and if you are covered under the ELCA health benefits plan we will even be willing to pay for it.

  2. Ditto, Anonymous! Our Social Statement on Abortion makes clear that it can be reasonable, sound, and morally responsible to kill an unborn child (although we prefer to use euphemisms like "ending a pregnancy" because they are less distracting and upsetting to people).